Super Bowl Sunday is our nation’s biggest unofficial holiday, and it’s fast approaching on February 12. But football is a divisive sport, and Super Bowl parties can be a volatile mix of barely interested normies who came to see the commercials and super-fans so steeped in football that no one invites them anywhere except a Super Bowl party.
These seven game-day screw-ups are aimed at both groups, with the goal of smoothing social interactions so nobody gets punched in the mouth.
I’m not saying the frequency of traumatic brain injuries in the NFL is excusable, but we all already know about it, so let football fans have this one day. You get one concussion protocol joke, but that’s all. You wouldn’t like it if someone showed up to your Tony Awards party and spent all night talking about eating disorders among Broadway dancers, right?
Sports rivalries are fun because they allow us to express the part of ourselves that hates “the other” in a harmless way. The overwhelming majority of sports fans understand that it’s not real hatred; it’s a fun little ritual where we act like Kansas City is the worst place on earth and fans of the their team are troglodytes who literally eat shit.
But there’s always that one guy who gets a couple beers in him and takes the harmless regional dissing too far. Remember: All the football teams are made up of millionaires and owned by billionaires, and none of it means anything. (Except the Dallas Cowboys. They really are absolutely evil.)
We are all excited when our team wins, but don’t rub it in the faces of fans of the losing team (unless it’s the Dallas Cowboys). These are still your friends. If your team wins, “that was a tough game” is way better response than “I told you you’d lose, loser!” Also: if your team loses, go with “wait until next year” instead of, “I will burn your house down.”
This applies to all parties, and I’m sure you already know this, but it’s still customary to bring a gift when you’re invited somewhere—some beer or chips, a scented candle, it doesn’t matter. Throwing a Super Bowl party is a huge hassle for the host, who probably at least vacuumed, so the least you could do is show up with a bag of ice or something.
Passionately questioning the decisions of coaches and officials is a time-honored tradition in football, but there’s a line between “engaged fan” and “annoying blowhard.” If you don’t know where the line is, maybe you’re on the wrong side of it? You don’t actually know more than the coach of the Kansas City Chiefs because you were a second string junior varsity fullback in high school.
If you don’t like football, that’s cool. You’re not required to care, and it will all be over tomorrow. But don’t go to a Super Bowl party and tell people how much you don’t like football. Don’t call it “hand egg” or “sports ball.” Not funny. This isn’t to say you need to be a huge fan, but be cool about it. Like attending a swingers party or church, you’ll get more out of a Super Bowl party if you’re open-minded and respectful than if you’re judgey and condescending.
Maybe COVID isn’t as terrifying as it was a few years ago, but it’s still out there, and the flu is no picnic either. So don’t spend three hours in a room packed with people yelling if you feel even a little sick, alright, Typhoid Mary?